INGREDIENTS TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

 

Calibre Creators met up with Ms. Japneet Anand and Ms. Minu Joshi, both Counseling Psychologists, Clinical Hypnotherapists as well as NLP Trainers.  They are also the co-founders of “Awaken…The Titan Within” for a tête-à-tête over a cup of coffee to find out causes which affect relationships and simple and effective strategies to that can save them from breaking.

CC: First of all, what is a healthy relationship?

MJ: A healthy relationship is formed when two people have a healthy sense of their identity and they come together willing to regularly and openly confront their authentic self in the presence of their partner.

CC: What does it take to have a healthy relationship?

JA: In a healthy relationship, each person finds joy in sharing the other person’s growth, in playing a role in completing the ‘other’. It works on reality which brings openness, transparency, understanding truth, agreement, humility, submission, and harmony.

CC: What should couples do to have a firm and strong relationship?

MJ: Relationship flourishes when one partner is willing to forgive past hurts and disappointments from other partner. Even if one partner may have committed some mistake, one should never constantly dig the past, play blame games, use the dump words like “I don’t need you….”, “I want a divorce….” and other such conclusive statements. It is important not to call names or compare individuals, personalities, use words or actions which can cause lasting psychological damage and affect somebody immensely.

CC: How should couples resolve their conflicts in a relationship?

JA: Healthy and great relationships develop not from the absence of conflict, but from determining an agreeable pattern for how to resolve conflict as it does not necessarily jeopardize the relationship. In fact, at times, disagreements bring two people closer to each other but the key is how to handle it.

If you care about the person, then consider adopting few strategies as part of the way you communicate with him/her when you are trying to resolve a conflict as people with poor conflict resolution skills typically engage in “Fight, Flight, or Freeze behaviors”. They fight and stay mad, sometimes holding grudges for years. They flee and avoid important issues by sweeping them under the carpet.  Or, even after endless arguments with no resolution in sight, they freeze emotionally and shut down completely. Someone who freezes in a relationship typically goes through the motions on the outside, but has stopped “caring” on the inside.

People with good conflict resolution skills have the ability to solve problems maturely through mutual discussion and let it go. They focus on taking care of the issue at hand rather than attacking the opposite person. Even when angry, they find ways to be upset and stay close at the same time. Once the matter is resolved, they forgive and forget.  Most importantly, successful couples have the ability to learn and grow through their interpersonal difficulties.

Partners need to see the issue from other person’s perspective. This does not mean we have to agree with their viewpoint; it only means that we must try to see the issue from a different perspective. Empathy can at least help us to understand where they are coming from, and why they have their particular mindset or a stand on the cause of the conflict.

Another key reason of conflict in many couples is that we expect people to behave in a certain way and we get upset when they fail to live up to our expectations. We need to be tolerant of their mistakes and limitations and respect their decisions on how to live their life.  This detachment, however, is not indifference; we should preserve, show care and concern, but there comes a point in time where we need to give people the freedom to make their own choices – even if we don’t agree with them.

It is also important to learn to deal with anger.  If we respond to situations by constantly getting angry, flaring up or losing control, we will only exacerbate the problem further. Anger embodies a feeling of aggression and condemnation which people struggle to deal with. Invariably, it encourages people to respond in a similar way.

If we really give importance to having a harmonious and lasting relationship, then we will go to the extra mile make it happen, whatever it takes. But if we give more importance to proving ourselves right every time and to our own ego, then there will be a constant feeling of superiority and inferiority which breeds conflict and which is not good for a healthy relationship

CC: What do you believe is the secret of a healthy relationship amidst these conflicting situations?

MJ: Generating a feeling of oneness is the real secret of a good relationship which means being happy at the success of others.  It also means understanding and empathizing when the other person experiences difficulties, and making a conscious efforts to avoid hurting the feelings of the other person.

A relationship becomes unhealthy when one of the partners suffers from insecurities; he/ she unconsciously become judgmental and critical about other person. Relationship naturally becomes smooth when we are at peace with ourselves and don’t rely on other people to give us security and praise. Often we want to blame other people for bad relationships, but the only thing we can do is to work on ourselves.

At times of conflict, talking can be the most effective way of moving past the problem.  However, it is easier said than done. At the same time, it is not advisable to bring up old but non-related conflicts. While talking, we should try to converse on positive issues, look for things which we agree on and can work together on.

It is also important not to get upset about little things. If you find yourself getting worked up by a series of small but insignificant things, take a step back and try to evaluate their relative importance.  You will feel that good qualities of a person are far more important than minor indiscretions.

CC:  Japneet and Minu, Thank you for these wonderful tips.  Our readers will surely benefit from them.  We wish you lots of success and that you are able to help at lot of couples who relationships can be saved.

Awaken…The Titan Within is a progressive Mumbai based organization and our primary objective is to provide the right platform and holistic environment to the Youth for their overall development. We believe that knowledge and competence go hand- in-hand and it further amplifies the chances to widen the arena and success of the youth at a faster rate.

It endeavours to develop the innate potential of our nation and to help the youth in Awakening the Titan within them.  It will assist them scaling new heights as sky is the limit, it believes that counseling, coaching and training helps in setting better goals, take more action, make better decisions, and use one’s potential to the fullest. It is an important requisite for cleansing of the mind and spirit.

Services offered by Awaken…The Titan Withn

• Counseling for Individual as well as for Group
• Mentoring and Life Coaching for Individual
• Training Workshop for Schools
• Students
• Youth
• Teachers
• Parents

• Training Workshop for Corporate
• Customized One Day Workshops

Japneet and Minu can be contacted on:

Tel. No. : +91 9820138551

Tel. No. : +91 9820327583

Email Id : awakenthetitanwithin@gmail.com

www.awakenthetitanwithin.com

For previous issues of the Learning Letter, log onto www.calibrecreators.com.

Or you can simply send us a mail to sarfaraz.calibrecreators@gmail.com to request your copy and receive the issue regularly.

Get Your Child Assessed for Making the Right Career Choice.  Take the Aptitude Test – go to www.calibrecreators.com

Write to Calibre Creators to resolve all your education and career related queries.  Please visit www.calibrecreators.com/contact-us. 

There are no charges for this service.  Please make extensive use of the service.  All queries are responded within 24 hours.

MANAGING TO HANDLE LEARNING DISORDERS - EXPERTS SPEAK

This Exclusive interview given to Calibre Creators was published in the February 2015, Volume 3, Issue No.6 of Calibre Creators Learning Letter is reproduced here.

This month,  Calibre Creators met up with the wonderful team of Ms. Gulzar Bhimani (GB) and Ms. Kanchan Vishwakarma (KV), both successfully running an Education Management Company.  The objective was to discuss the delicate and very sensitive issues related to children and academics.  The issue of Dyslexia was very beautifully highlighted by the Indian Movie “Tare Zameen Par” released in 2007 which has also helped raise awareness amongst parents on this issue.

CC - Q.1 : Tell us briefly about the work carried out by your organisation.

WOLH – GB : Wise Owls Learning Hub assists the children with their learning concerns to produce positive results maintaining their individuality and distinctiveness of learning differently.  The learning is facilitated according to the individual learning style of each child. Remedial and Behaviour Therapy are part of the facilitation process. Parents are also counseled wherever and whenever required.

CC - Q.2 : Please explain to us the broad category of students and their typical behaviours?

WOLH KV: Children with above condition are often misunderstood and considered lazy, un-responsive or uninterested in studies.  However, they function as good as their peers, except in academics.

Learning Disabilities usually falls under 4 broad categories:

· Spoken language-listening and speaking;

· Written language-reading, writing, and spelling;

· Arithmetic-calculating and concepts;

· Reasoning-organizing and integrating of ideas.

Specific learning disabilities include:

· Dysgraphia:    Difficulty in forming letters, words with pen and paper and writing legible handwriting.

· Dyscalculia:    Difficulty in understanding and using math concepts and symbols.

· Dyspraxia:      Mixing up words and sentences while talking.

· Dyslexia:       The 2007 Bollywood movie “Tare Zameen Par” has made this a very Popular term: While reading, an individual often mixes up letters within words and words within sentences. Letter reversals are common. Some individuals may have difficulty in navigating and finding routes using right/left and/or compass directions.

CC - Q.3 : Why are some students attentive in class while others are not?

WOLH – KV : Children will be children and if they do not make mischief and be naughty who will? Most of the time the student is seen as inattentive or mischievous by the grades he/she scores and the discipline maintained. Level of LD is not appropriately (the child may be facing Learning Differences or Learning Difficulties rather than “Learning Disability”) defined. Various factors can be citied for non-attentive behavior but important and fundamental factor is to have ‘Understanding’.

· Pedagogy not in accordance with child’s understanding/learning;

· Language barrier (“kala akshar bhais bara bar”);

· Child’s learning style not taken into consideration;

· Child’s capacity not considered;

· Environment of the class is distracting, not allowing the child to concentrate, etc.;

· Teachers not equipped and adequately trained to handle such cases.

CC - Q.4 : How is the LD or ADHD in children caused? Is it genetic, is it because of the socio-cultural or socio-economic environment or because of any past incidents?

WOLH – GB : Researchers are studying the relation between functions of the brain and areas of brain with regards to LD and ADD/ADHD.  It is thought that learning disabilities may be caused by:

· Hereditary, family history, early developmental psychodynamic factors;

· Consumption of certain drugs by the mother during pregnancy;

· Medical factors, Premature birth, Malnutrition, Juvenile Diabetes (onset of Diabetes Mellitus at infancy stage);

· Environment, malnourished mother during pregnancy and poor pre-natal healthcare;

· Presence of toxins like high “Lead” content in drinking water and wall paint, head injuries and so on.

Whatever the cause, having LD or ADD/ADHD doesn’t mean one cannot do well in life.  Many famous people with learning issues or ADHD have carved a niche for themselves in life: For example, the most famous cartoonist Walt Disney, Fashion Designer Tommy Hilfiger, Scientist Thomas Edison, Scientist Albert Einstein, come to my mind immediately.

CC - Q.5 : What, in your opinion, is the scale or magnanimity of the problem of LD in India? 

WOLH – GB : In India, nearly 3% to 18% of all school children are affected by it; the extent of this is largely seen in boys who are 6-8 times more often affected.  A large majority of children start to exhibit symptoms by the fourth year and the gradual onset occurs before the child has completed about 7 years.

The ratio of children impacted by ADHD is nearly 10% to 20% of all psychiatric disorders diagnosed amongst children in the age group of 0-10 years.  These are huge numbers and must be reduced substantially over the period of years.

CC - Q.6 : How should a teacher handle students who are inattentive in class?

WOLH – VK : The child needs to know that he is respected, loved and appreciated even when the child is inattentive and the teacher must exhibit this through actions, care and words. The child’s behavior should not be the criteria to judge his intelligence. Not all inattentive and academically weak students are Learning Disabled.

Few simple tricks can be used to get positive results:

· Generate curiosity at the start of the class for the child to be attentive, learn and enjoy the learning process;

· Make learning visually appealing;

· Usage of Colors can be exciting;

· Extensive use story-telling as a teaching methodology wherever appropriate.

CC - Q.7 : How should a parent handle their children who are inattentive at home and have difficulty in getting good grades, and are not interested in doing their home work?

WOLH – GB : The above strategies can be fruitfully employed by parents too. Most of the time parents are aware of child’s aptitude towards sports and arts but discourage the child to transform that aptitude into professional career due to various, reasons mostly out of societal pressure and not necessarily due to financial compulsions. Nonetheless, the pressure on the child to focus only on academic performance is constant. Making the child understand the importance of academics without constant nagging about his interest in sports, recreational activities or enjoying art or other extra-curricular activities can bring positive results.

Practicing consistency in rewarding and punishment can also have great impact. A word of caution here: Avoid inconsistency in the practice of reward/punishment.

CC - Q.8 : How should parents handle two of their children, one of whom is very brilliant while the other has difficult in academics?

WOLH – VK : Understand that every individual is unique and is born with a package: personality, ability, capacity, intelligence and various other parameters.

Stop!!! I say STOP comparing children with their own siblings, friends, and cousins or with yourself when you were young. Being academically brilliant does not prove the child to be intelligent to adjust and adapt life fully.  Yes!!! A child must at least complete the graduation degree by using his capacity and to fully explore life and develop holistically. Parents must concentrate on the strengths of the child and explore possibilities of moulding the child accordingly.

CC - Q.9 : Can children/students with various type of Learning Disorders ever be like normal children?

WOLH – GB : Learning Disorder is NOT an ailment but a condition. Children with this condition are smart and intelligent in other spheres of life except in academics, but not completely. Professional support of especially trained experts can help enhance the latent skills and talents in them. Parental acceptance, unfailing support, high level of patience and understanding as well as care and compassion are crucial in bringing the required and positive changes in the child over a period of time. Trained teachers and professionals can contribute in developing a liking towards academics. Encouraging children to freely socialise with other children without any fear of encountering any biases from other children (like name calling, labeling, etc.) can also greatly empower them to feel normal and will help boost their self esteem as well.

CC - Q.10 : Should children with LDs be sent to special school or will regular schools accept them?

WOLH – VK : Isolating an individual for the reason that he/she has Learning problem is not the solution. Sending an LD child to a special school is like segregating for the reasons unknown to them. Peers and relatives and often parents name call such individuals, obstructing their normal growth and free socializing, putting their self worth in danger.

Many schools have opened their doors for such individuals (they are called “inclusive schools”). The need of time is to becoming “Inclusive” at all levels and not just stopping at caste, creed, race, etc. More and more teachers need to be trained to identify, assist, encourage and empower such children. Nationally and internationally, some of the most successful and renowned people had this condition and they overcame this disability and conquered the world.

CC - Q.11 : Is it important for parents to train and counsel relatives as well friends of their own children with LD and ADHD issues to be able to handle them and give them fair treatment?  At CC, we believe that this aspect is also important and has been ignored.

WOLH - GB : Most definitely!

Most often parents themselves are in denial mode. It’s difficult for ANYONE to accept these limitations in their own child. The feeling is of shame and to some extent guilt too. That’s human nature.  They fear exposing the children and feel extremely insecure about leaving them alone amongst the normal children in the neighbourhood. 

If parents invite the child’s friends and make them aware about being sensitive towards his needs, the do’s and don’ts, then the child’s life becomes easy.  Parents must ensure that the child does not get labeled or is not disowned by his friends.  The same process must be followed, first with close family relatives, then with family friends and neighbours.  It is important that parents must get trained from professionals on handling such issues which will make life easier for the child as well as themselves.

Also, once parents accept their child’s limitations, the progress to seek professional help becomes easier and faster thus overcoming and developing positively. Parents of such children can and must become volunteers in bringing about awareness within family friends and society. It can have tremendous impact. Such parents are seen as role models as they have gone through the same journey of heartburns.

CC - Q.12 : Are regular schools equipped with Counsellors and are Teachers trained to handle students with LDs?

WOLH – VK : The awareness now is better than the last decade. Schools and concerned leadership are moving towards bringing change but the process and progress are slow.  Approximately 16% of school children have the above condition.  Teachers are not fully equipped to manage the children with LD and ADD/ADHD condition.  Schools are struggling to run with core faculty.  It is an added burden on school to hire and retain counselor’s and special educator’s with existing shoe-string budget. Having a Trained Counselor and Special Educator in a school, requires allotting a separate room and investment of resources which schools can ill afford. Lately, few schools are finally taking the lead and contributing towards required change. 

I will end this with a quote from Peter Senge “Many children struggle in schools, because the way they are being taught is incompatible with the way they learn” .

About : WISE OWLS LEARNING HUB was incorporated in the year 5^th October, 2014 with the objective of spreading awareness about Learning Disorders, helping parents and the communities about the importance and handling them effectively to create an inclusive society.  We consider that all children need to realize their talent and contribute to the society’s social and economic development. We believe every individual has potential and if it is tapped at the right time they all can contribute towards a happy society.

Currently, we are associated with ‘Infant Jesus High School’, one of the reputed school in Malad offering our services to its students. It involves counseling of Parents as well. The new academic year 2015-16 will see us conducting need based workshops for Teachers, Parents and Students.

We have opened our doors for the underprivileged children under our NGO ‘Pagdandi Education Foundation’ (PEF) under which conduct Spoken English workshops.  Currently, we are catering to 60 children residing in the neighbourhood slums.

Our Mission is “Making positive difference in someone’s life by touching their heart and soul”. Individual Profile:

· Ms. Gulzar H. Bhimani, M.A, PG Diploma in Education Management, PG Diploma in School Counseling.

· Ms. Kanchan A. Vishwakarma, B.A, B.Ed. Special Educator.

Calibre Creators wishes them success in all their endeavours in this noble cause as well as their social initiatives under the Pagdandi Education Foundation.

Wise Owls Learning Hub can be contacted on:

Ms. Gulzar Bhimani : 9870185158

Ms. Kanchan Vishwakarma: 7506507511

Find them on :  https://www.facebook.com/wiseowllearninghub

For previous issues of the Learning Letter, log onto www.calibrecreators.com.

Or you can simply send us a mail to sarfaraz.calibrecreators@gmail.com to request your copy and receive the issue regularly.

Get Your Child Assessed for Making the Right Career Choice.  Take the Aptitude Test – go to www.calibrecreators.com

Write to Calibre Creators to resolve all your education and career related queries.  Please visit www.calibrecreators.com/contact-us. 

There are no charges for this service.  Please make extensive use of the service.  All queries are responded within 24 hours.